To an untrustworthy person,
I don’t trust myself. Not only do I not trust myself, but I don’t trust you either. It’s not that your an untrustworthy person, it’s just hard for me to believe that the words you’re saying to me have any strain of truth in them.
When I first met you, the kind words you would say to me were so genuine and would make my heart sing. You said them without an agenda, without any real reason, the words just flew out of your mouth and surprised you just as much as they did me. But now I feel like you only give me compliments when I beg for them. You tell me I’m beautiful, but only because I said I was ugly first. You say I’m smart, but only because I said I was stupid first. I can hear the tiredness grow in your voice each time you have to repeat one of these phrases to me. Your just as tired of my insecurities as I am.
The longer we get to know one another, your compliments appear less and less genuine. One of the first days we met you might’ve said something about how my smile reminds you of someone you loved, or how you found the sound of my voice comforting. You don’t seem to recognize my details anymore. I don’t seem to inspire intrigue or ingenuity in your thoughts of me anymore.
That’s how my brain works. I don’t trust the people who have known me the longest. I’d rather be told by a complete stranger that I am beautiful than from my mother. It’s irrational, yes, and I’m trying to change, but I don’t know how.
Not only is it you I don’t trust, but it’s myself. I don’t trust my ideas or reasoning of things. I don’t trust my interpretation of situations or scenarios in my life. I don’t trust myself to take proper care of myself. I don’t trust my feelings and never seem to know why I’m feeling or what I’m feeling.
I’m telling you this because you’re a friend, a parent, a sibling, a person who I know loves and cares about me, but please, I beg of you, don’t tell me to change. Don’t tell me to just keep working on myself. Don’t tell me that you are speaking the truth when you tell me these kind words, because that doesn’t work. It only makes me feel more wrong and more distant from you. It only makes me resent you more.
I know you’re tired of how my brain works, of my inability to trust you completely, I recognize how it frustrates you and complicates a moment in your day, but I’m even more frustrated and tired of myself than you are. It isn’t just one moment in the day, one fight, it’s every time I sit in my bed feeling small and big all at once, contemplating who I trust to call, only to recognize that it is no one.
From,
An untrustworthy person
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