to the new year

To 2016, 

I’m scared for what you have in store for me this year.  2015 undid a lot of hard work that I had achieved in previous years.  I gained all the weight back, I fell back into my old anxious ways, and I’ve never been more angry or sad.  I want so much, I want to change so much, and the possibility of those goals being reached seem impossible to me.  

I know January 1st is just another day, that I shouldn’t be placing this weight on it, but I want a fresh start, I want to be a different girl than the one I am now.  This girl now isn’t who I am.  I don’t feel connected to my body or my mind, I feel like a stranger, like someone has abducted my soul and now I’m just an empty vessel.  

I want you to bring me so much, I expect so much from you, but you can’y give me anything.  2016 won’t change me, January 1st won’t change me, I have to change myself.  That’s why I’m scared, because I’m not sure if I can change myself.  I’m not sure if I have the willpower, the drive, the passion, the energy. I’m not sure that I care enough about myself in order to save myself.  

This is why I need you 2016, because even though January 1st is just another day, and you’re just another year, you bring me hope that maybe, just maybe I can become the person who I dream about being.  You allow me to dream of a better me, you allow me to think about myself, and you give me the opportunity to change. 

So, 2016, I’m going to take care of myself this year.  I’m going to treat myself right.  I’m going to love myself, feed myself, decorate myself, exercise myself, express myself.  I will change, and it might not be by the time you pass or the time 2017 passes or 2018 passes, but I will eventually become the person I dream about being.  Thank you for letting me see that.  

My regards, 

Madison